In my last two blog posts, I have written about being authentic with yourself and with your spouse. For the last post in my “Getting Real” series, I’m going to talk about what you can do to cultivate authentic friendships.
I think that it’s very easy to go through life surrounded by less-than-authentic friendships. For example, you keep spending time with someone because it’s convenient, not because you particularly enjoy that person’s company. You stay in touch with an old friend because you feel that it would be a shame to “throw away” a relationship that has lasted 30 years, despite the fact you really don’t have much in common. You pretend that So-and-So criticizes you because she wants to help you improve, even though you know she really does it because she gets a kick out of putting you down. You don’t particularly like What’s-His-Face, but for some reason you still want to impress him. You tolerate good-enough friendships because you aren’t sure how to make them great, or if you really want to put forth the effort.
My friends, putting forth the effort is worth it! Trust me—I spent many years of my life investing in friendships that weren’t genuine. In my case, the lack of authenticity could usually be traced back to the fact that I didn’t love myself. I wasn’t secure enough with who I was to feel comfortable telling other people what I wanted, what I deserved, and when I wasn’t happy. Instead of being the real me and allowing the right people to find their way into my life, I behaved how I thought others wanted me to.
As a result, many of my friendships made me feel just plain bad. When I forced myself to spend time with someone who wasn’t really right for me, I knew I was being fake and came away feeling frustrated, irritated, and disappointed. I would chastise myself for “wasting” time that I could have spent with my family or doing something that I enjoyed. And eventually, even though I wanted my so-called friends to like me, I’d nevertheless develop a bad attitude toward them that caused me to be snarky, judgmental, and nasty. But—like most people—I continued to spend time with them.
Since I have embarked on my quest to find happiness, I have become much more intentional about choosing the friendships I invest myself in, and about how I cultivate those relationships. I have learned that some friendships will remain casual, some will involve you and/or the other person purposefully holding back aspects of yourselves, and some will be situational. In this day and age, some will be conducted almost entirely online! (Don’t worry; that’s all normal.)
Here’s the most important part: If you strive to be consistently authentic, the friendships that aren’t meant to last won’t be drug out artificially. And some friendships—the ones you develop with people who share your values and interests—will become much more meaningful. Genuine friends, I have found, are refreshing and therapeutic. They give you an energy boost instead of draining you.
Don’t overcomplicate things. Just remember: The more real you are, the more real your relationships will be. Here are my tips on developing and maintaining authentic friendships:
*Evaluate your circle. The obvious first step in getting real with your friendships is evaluating who, exactly, makes up your circle of friends. Think about each person and ask yourself, Is this individual enhancing my life and making me happy? Am I doing the same thing for him or her? Does this friend give as well as take? While it may sound harsh, if a particular relationship isn’t fulfilling, it’s time to move on. If you don’t create space, true “kindred spirits” won’t be able to enter your life.
If after a little consideration you determine that you’d like to develop more meaningful friendships, be intentional about seeking those out. Spend more time with casual friends you’d like to get to know better. Maybe even join a book club, a fitness class, or a community garden group so that you can get to know like-minded people. And keep in mind—you never know when a conversation with the person next to you on a plane, for instance, can develop into something special. (It’s happened to me!)
*Say yes… Just like any other relationship, you have to invest time, energy, and caring into an authentic friendship if you want it to stay meaningful. Your friends need to know that you value spending time with them. So when the opportunity to do so arises, say yes! “Yes, I’d love to have dinner with you tonight!” And vacuuming the bedrooms can wait. “Yes, going to the high school football game with you on Friday night sounds great.” I’ll make a point to leave work on time so that I won’t be late. Obviously, you can’t say yes every time, but remember, the quality of your relationships can make or break the quality of your life. Before you choose another activity over spending time with a friend, pause and ask yourself which will have more long-term value to you.
*…and say no, too. The flip side of saying yes is saying no. Sometimes you can’t say yes, even if you want to. Other times you just don’t want to do something. And, of course, you may know that you shouldn’t commit yourself because you’re already overscheduled. It can be a hard lesson to learn, but believe me, an authentic “no”—even to people you really care about—is better than a “yes” under duress. Otherwise, your friendships will be characterized by resentment, incorrect assumptions, and insincerity…which is the opposite of getting and staying real.
*Tell the truth. Authentic friends tell the truth. Sometimes that truth is good: “Your accomplishment is amazing. Your commitment and work ethic are truly awe-inspiring.” Other times, as the saying goes, the truth hurts: “I’m concerned about you—I don’t think the person you’ve been dating has your best interests at heart. The relationship seems unhealthy to me.” Or even, “I feel that you’ve been brushing me off a lot lately. Is anything wrong?”
It saddens me to admit that sometimes speaking the truth—however gentle and heartfelt you may be—will cause other people to turn away from you. Yes, losing a friend or an acquaintance hurts, but remember, you’re at a crossroads. You must ask yourself, Do I want to diminish my own value by staying silent and burying my feelings, or is being in an open, authentic relationship more important to me? In my experience, friends who also value real-ness will appreciate, and even expect, honesty from you.
*Open up. Authentic friends don’t just share the good in their lives; they share the bad, the sad, and the difficult, too. No, I’m not saying that you need to be a completely open book with everyone in your life. Some things, like money problems, marital troubles, and health concerns, you may feel comfortable discussing with only your best friends. That’s okay. My point is, don’t act like everything in your life is perfect when it’s not. Don’t pretend that something doesn’t bother you when it does.
The truth is, vulnerability implies trust. Trust is an essential component of a meaningful friendship. And when you show that you trust someone else, that person will usually return the favor.
*Really listen. Being a good listener—someone who makes a sincere effort to understand, and if necessary, help out—is very important if you want to keep your friendships real. If you’re opening up to your pals, extend the same courtesy to them. Don’t tell them how they should feel. Don’t try to dominate the conversation or constantly turn it back to you. Don’t downplay their opinions. Instead, make it your goal to learn more about your friend and her perspective each time you talk to her—especially when the “important stuff” is at stake.
* Remember the Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is a good rule of thumb when it comes to friendships…or any type of relationship, for that matter. If you can lighten a friend’s load without harming yourself, do so. If you see a way to compliment him, share your praise in front of as many people as possible. And, of course, take every opportunity to say, “I love you. You’re special to me. I’m so glad you’re in my life!”
Yes, you may find that truly authentic friendships can be few and far between, because many people don’t want truth, aren’t comfortable with vulnerability, and are interested in spending time only with people who always say “yes.” But working to keep your friendships genuine is worth the effort, because these relationships will go much deeper and last much longer.
These friends will allow you to be real, whether that involves laughing, crying, vegging out, venting, or just about anything else. I won’t say that they’ll never judge you and that they’ll always accept you, because that’s not true. Authentic friends will speak up when they think you’re making a wrong move, and they won’t condone bad behavior. But it’s not because they don’t love you enough or because they’re trying to manipulate or control you—it’s because they do love you and want the best for you…and they know that you feel the same way.